One of the comments on my previous post on the idea of selfmarriage and the reactions I got from friends and family after coming out with this idea, was: Congratulations on your engagement! I replied back: “Thanks, but I’m not engaged yet, because I haven’t proposed to myself officially.” So I thought that would be a good next step: the proposal.
I went for a walk (as I often do from my home) and at a very nice and quiet place with trees and a little stream of water I popped the question, after puzzling a little with the wordings; “Do you want to marry me?” or “Do I want to marry me?”
The answer was not a happy and wholehearted YES! It didn’t feel 100% right at that moment. When would you ask someone to marry you and wish to spend the rest of your lives together? I guess a strong feeling of love for this person and trust that you will grow together and excitement about the adventure. From the asking point of perspective I like myself, but unconditionally loving myself feels a bridge too far. From the receiving point of perspective, I felt pressured and fear came in. Apparently I don’t trust myself completely on this. Also the question came in: Who’s marrying whom? So who’s asking?
I decided to be ok for now with an arranged marriage status, because there is definately a part of me that is really excited about this journey and what it will bring.
Lots of Love,
A few days ago I wrote a blogpost sharing the idea of Getting married to myself. The reactions so far from the people that know me, have been surprisingly enthusiastic. It’s exactly a week ago, that just after this idea popped up, I called my parents. I wanted to know whether they would come to a ‘wedding’ ceremony with myself. They had to laugh and thought it was a bit crazy, but told me that if this is important to me, they would support me. My father even joked about walking me down the aisle and giving me away. The second person I told was my current boyfriend. He reacted very open. That he doesn’t quite understand it, but that he feels this is clearly moving me, and if this is my way towards more love (how can you oppose to that) that he supports me. Ofcourse he also had the thought: “What about me?” and feeling left out of a very personal process that is mine. Yet, I feel that his openness and acceptance have brought us closer together already.
Then, on friday, I had a Christmas Dinner at THNK (where I work as a facilitator). A few colleagues that I know well, reacted so enthusiastically to this idea, that I decided to share the idea with the whole group of people there, making it something ‘out there’ and real. It moved from being just an idea to being a plan with a deadline. AAAAARHG! (that’s my fear of commitment kicking in). At dinner, I was sitting next to a girl I didn’t know and we had a very open and personal conversation. It seems the idea opens up people around me and I feel grateful for that. For instance, yesterday I called my father for his birthday and for the first time in my life we had a meaningful conversation on the phone (he hates phonecalls) that lasted more than 15 min.
Both of my long term ex-boyfriends have reacted in their own playful way’s. The first sending me a textmessage saying that I have to divorce him first, because we got kind of married in a fake weddingceremony by our friends in Spain in 2003. The second, by saying that he already bought a suit for my wedding, showing a picture of him in a flashy red suit.
I also asked my 7 year old daughter (who’s asking a Barbie Bride and Ken Groom for Christmas) what she thought of the idea of getting married to myself. She thought it is funny and a little bit weird and also sweet for yourself. On my question if she would ever consider getting married to herself her answer was very straightforward: “Ik hoef niet met mezelf te trouwen, want mijn lijf weet gewoon dat ik lief ben.” English: “I don’t need to get married to myself because my body already knows that I’m loveable.”
WOW! I’m feeling happy and proud that she can say this with such confidence, like it is the most normal thing on earth (and so it should be!). And I’m feeling sad that I can’t. At least not yet. And it makes me question my motives. What do I need to prove to myself and to the rest of the world with this idea…?
Time for a walk…
Lots of Love,
I decided to reframe a quiet time in my usual busy workschedule as a mini-sabbatical of three months and asking myself the question; How might I use these three months in a meaningful way?
“OMG! Are you serious?!” were my first thoughts, after an idea came to my mind in a moment of inspiration. The idea was: “I would like to get married to myself”. It gave me goosebumbs all over. I felt frightened and excited at the same time. When my body gives me this kind of reactions to an idea…I know there is something interesting to discover.
I Googled “marry myself” and found out I’m not the only one with this idea. In 2003 there was a dutch woman, Jennifer Hoes, who married herself in a real weddingdress with an official (although not legally binding) ceremony. I also found a woman in the US, Dominique, that conducted self-wedding ceremonies at Burning Man Festival in 2011. And since 2012 more individual stories of self-marriage occur, mostly by women, incidental by men.
The reason why people get married to themselves varies, from celebrating being a happy independent single to a broader vision of making a statement about selflove for a better world.
So what is my WHY? When I think of it, there are several reasons;
- I love learning and strongly believe in experiential (playful) learning. I feel that the journey towards this selfmarriage is going to be a powerful learningexperience, because it feels weird and out of comfortzone and that’s where the magic happens…(at least that’s what I usually tell my students).
- I’ve always had a fear of commitment (or abandonment). This would be the ultimate commitment to myself to stay true and close to myself.
- I’m actually in the startingphase of a new relationship with a very lovable guy and I don’t want to make the same ‘mistake’ of becoming emotionally dependent on a partner and losing (parts of) myself in a relationship.
- I’ve always been very good at neglecting bad news and focussing on my own little world of positivity and success. I feel more and more impacted by the harsh worldly reality. I believe in the need of being the change you wish to see in this world (Ghandi), so therefore self-love and self-compassion would be a good start.
- I think a lot of people (like me) have difficulties feeling and saying that they love themselves, and that’s sad. Hopefully I will fall madly in love with myself and sharing that experience will possibly encourage and inspire others.
Lots of love,