Selfmarriage – ‘the coming out’

selfdoubtA few days ago I wrote a blogpost sharing the idea of Getting married to myself. The reactions so far from the people that know me, have been surprisingly enthusiastic. It’s exactly a week ago, that just after this idea popped up, I called my parents. I wanted to know whether they would come to a ‘wedding’ ceremony with myself. They had to laugh and thought it was a bit crazy, but told me that if this is important to me, they would support me. My father even joked about walking me down the aisle and giving me away. The second person I told was my current boyfriend. He reacted very open. That he doesn’t quite understand it, but that he feels this is clearly moving me, and if this is my way towards more love (how can you oppose to that) that he supports me. Ofcourse he also had the thought: “What about me?” and feeling left out of a very personal process that is mine. Yet, I feel that his openness and acceptance have brought us closer together already.

Then, on friday, I had a Christmas Dinner at THNK (where I work as a facilitator). A few colleagues that I know well, reacted so enthusiastically to this idea, that I decided to share the idea with the whole group of people there, making it something ‘out there’ and real. It moved from being just an idea to being a plan with a deadline. AAAAARHG! (that’s my fear of commitment kicking in). At dinner, I was sitting next to a girl I didn’t know and we had a very open and personal conversation. It seems the idea opens up people around me and I feel grateful for that. For instance, yesterday I called my father for his birthday and for the first time in my life we had a meaningful conversation on the phone (he hates phonecalls) that lasted more than 15 min.

Both of my long term ex-boyfriends have reacted in their own playful way’s. The first sending me a textmessage saying that I have to divorce him first, because we got kind of married in a fake weddingceremony by our friends in Spain in 2003. The second, by saying that he already bought a suit for my wedding, showing a picture of him in a flashy red suit.

I also asked my 7 year old daughter (who’s asking a Barbie Bride and Ken Groom for Christmas) what she thought of the idea of getting married to myself. She thought it is funny and a little bit weird and also sweet for yourself. On my question if she would ever consider getting married to herself her answer was very straightforward: “Ik hoef niet met mezelf te trouwen, want mijn lijf weet gewoon dat ik lief ben.” English: “I don’t need to get married to myself because my body already knows that I’m loveable.”

WOW! I’m feeling happy and proud that she can say this with such confidence, like it is the most normal thing on earth (and so it should be!). And I’m feeling sad that I can’t. At least not yet. And it makes me question my motives. What do I need to prove to myself and to the rest of the world with this idea…?

Time for a walk…

Lots of Love,



2 responses to “Selfmarriage – ‘the coming out’


    1. Give up on Perfection
    I understand that there can only ever be a “good enough” self-marriage.
    Therefore I agree to marry myself even though I will, on a regular basis, drive myself to distraction.

    2. Despair of Being Understood
    However much I seems to understand me, there will always be large tracts of my psyche that will remain incomprehensible to me and anyone else.

    3. Love, rather than Be Loved
    Whenever I have the strength in me to do so, I will imitate those who once loved me and take care of my other self as these figures cared for me. The task isn’t an unfair chore or a departure from the true nature of love. It is the only kind of love really worthy of that exalted word.

    4. Be Ready For Admin
    I understand that self-marriage is not just romance.
    I accept the dignity of the ironing board (hard work).

    5. Be Ready To Learn (And To Teach)
    I accept that in certain very significant areas, my other self will be wiser, more reasonable and more mature than I am. At these key points, I will see my other self as the teacher and me as the pupil. At the same time, I am ready to take on the task of teaching myself certain things and like good teachers, I should not shout to myself, lose my tempers or expect myself simply to know.

    By analogy to ‘Five Secrets to a Successful Marriage’
    Alain de Botton, British philosopher, in: The Course Of Love

  2. Pingback: Selfmarriage – The proposal | Annemarie Steen

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