Monthly Archives: January 2017

Selfmarriage: letting go of exes

11096_868755353172332_8616407902183525552_nToday Facebook came with this memory of two years ago. The post got 78 likes and 15 positive comments. This is probably the most SAD picture of my life!  Seriously! It was taken on Blue Monday, on a ski-holiday with a group of friends, including my (now Ex-) boyfriend and father of our daughter. Behind my broad and seemingly happy smile, there is huge Confusion, Panic and Sadness. It was taken a few days after M told me he was unhappy in our relationship and had thoughts about ending it. What amazes me most is that I’m able to put on this happy (together) face, while at nights I totally panicked and cried my eyes out. Nobody noticed. Two months later, we broke up.

What makes me SAD now is not so much the brake-up itself. Like anything in life, there is always positive in negative. But the way how I neglected my own feelings and needs in that moment. Hiding like a shot animal in my cave, while my outer me played happy surface. That feels like a break up with myself, a self-betrayal. Definately not a loving thing. I totally onderstand now why I have difficulty in saying a wholehearted YES to myself. Deep down I don’t trust myself  for not leaving me again.

I have become and am still learning to be more open and welcoming to my emotions, either good or bad. This is slowly building trust in my heart that I will be there for me in the future. And being honest about them with others is still very scary. Taking one babystep at a time.

I’m very grateful for having a good relationship with my Ex. Last week he even brought me flowers (for buying his half of the house) and selfmade chocolates. He’s a great father to our daughter and co-parenting has brought me more freedom and personal growth. Sounds almost like the ideal Ex…;-)

Lots of Love,

Annemarie

 

 

Advertisements

Selfmarriage – Who’s marrying whom?

In my last post about the proposal, I stumbled upon the question: Who’s marrying whom in a selfmarriage? In my case there are several options;

zelfliefde-spiegelIs Hanneke getting married to Annemarie?

At birth, my parents gave me two names, Hanneke and Annemarie, with the intention of using the first Hanneke as my callingname. However, my mother thought a few days after I was born, that Annemarie suited me better and started naming me Annemarie. My father, not very good at adaptability, stayed with naming me Hanneke. And so I grew up having two callingnames. Annemarie for my mothers side of the family and at school and sports that she subscribed me to. Hanneke for my fathers side of the family and at tennis, which was my fathers favorite sports. Whenever we had visitors to our house, I introduced myself either as Hanneke, if they were acquintances from my father, or as Annemarie, if I sensed a link to my mother. If it was unclear to me who these new people were and how they were connected to my parents, I said “my name is Hanneke Annemarie, you may choose.” Since more people knew me by the name of Annemarie, I would pick up the phone with “Annemarie” and sometimes it happened that I was asked if “Hanneke” was there? I waited a few seconds and responded with “Hello, it’s Hanneke”. So marrying myself and integrating these two personalities might be a good choice. Maybe even with a new name.

Is my Adult Self marrying my Inner Child?

I’m 45 years old, a mother of a 7 year old daughter, owner of a house, a car, a camper and many memories, having created great work as a selfemployed speaker and trainer and being financially independent, so you could say I’m a grown-up woman. Like anyone else, I carry a little inner child in me. This little one communicates with emotion, but has learned that these emotions were not always appreciated, validated or understood in early childhood. So my little one is very shy and doesn’t feel safe to express emotions openly. What I have learned is that by suppressing what we call negative emotions, like anger, sadness, lonelyness, etc. you also suppress the good ones like love, joy and connectedness.

When I reconnected with my inner child about 14 years ago, I rediscovered my playful side and the power of play in this process. What I didn’t realize back then is that I only invited the fun and playful little one, but didn’t know how to deal with the sad one. Since I’m a mother myself, I got better at that. I’m taking time and space to feel more and to welcome all emotions, however painful. I learned that they come and go like waves when you sit with them. But when you turn your back and try to ignore, suppress or to belittle them, they eventually come back as a tsunami. So me and my little me are definately an important duo for the rest of my life. Marrying a child however doesn’t feel ok. A child doesn’t need a spouse, but a safe and loving space to grow.

feminin-masculinIs my Feminin side marrying my Masculin side?

Somehow I always felt a bit more in touch with my masculin side than my feminin side. Choosing jeans over dresses and monkeys over dolls and sports over make-up. I’m a very practical, goal and solutionfocussed person. I feel more comfortable talking with men (as long as they don’t show any sexual interest) than with women. Also here, a lot has changed for me since becoming a mother. I’ve become more relaxed and allowing for things to emerge, rather than pushing and working hard to achieve my goals. I think all humans have both sides in them and it’s good to develop and know both. Marrying (integrating) these two sides into a loving relationship of growth could be interesting. It makes me curious about the (brain-)childs it will bring forward…

Is my Ego-self marrying my Higher-self?

My ego-self doesn’t believe in unconditional love. It is calculating where I am on the emotional bankaccount with others and makes sure I keep the balance ok. My ego-self likes to be liked by others, so it checks my facebookposts for likes on a regular basis. Also my ego-self is very good at adapting my behaviour to any kind of environment, like a chameleon, to fit in easily. My ego-self doesn’t like pain, conflict and vulnerability, so it tries to distract me by looking for short shots of feelgood emotions. My ego-self is a high achiever and not easy to satisfy. There is no good enough, because there is always room for improvement. My ego-self doesn’t like the idea of self-marriage because it fears I make a total fool out of myself. On the other side, my ego-self loves it when my actions bring me positive attention and the idea of having some sort of impact on the lives of others. My higher-self doesn’t really care about what I do and what others might think of it. It is patient and loving and without judgement. I do believe my higher-self has some sort of intention of what it would like to experience (in this life). When I’m taking actions in allignment with this intention they feel good and exciting and often weird coincidental opportunities (synchronicities) knock on my door. People often describe this as being in flow. I don’t think the ego-self would like to get married to the higher-self, because the moment I’ll start listening to my higher-self in an equal way, I feel the ego-self will eventually dissolve and ofcourse it doesn’t like that.

Is my positive self marrying my negative self?

It is easy to accept my positive sides and when I think of those I truly can say that I like myself and even sometimes that I’m proud of myself. The other negative side however is more difficult to accept. My whole life I tried to hide this other side. I told myself I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to regret, nothing to hate, and I fooled myself into believing this to be true. Self-marriage would be about getting to know and accepting all my sides, good and bad, and still feeling that I deserve a happy and good life. Saying YES to my whole being.

self-illusionWhat if there is no Self?

When I was sixteen I loved to lie on the deck of my parents’ sailingboat with my head over the edge, looking at the splashing water. I saw the little drops of water being released from the ocean, flying through the air and falling back into the ocean. I thought, we are exactly like that, little drops of ocean, flying through the air during our lives, before returning to the same big ocean where we came from. This means that our idea of a separate Self is an illusion. We are separate, yet at the same time we are still the ocean. So if there is no Self…it’s not possible to marry My Self. I believe this quest has something to do with wanting to see, feel and be the whole. So selfmarriage in this context is saying “I DO” to everything and everyone…

Lots of Love,

Annemarie